Simply one Hell of an Idiot
by Miss.Sutcliff13
Summary: What Happens when Alfred F. Jones is Sued by Ciel Phantomhive One Hell of a roller coaster ride


**Part 1 One hell of an Idiotic Crime **

Alfred Jones was in a tight situation. He owed Yao Wang A lot of money and when I say a lot of money I'm talking millions. He'd gone to ask Arthur for help but he just called him a bloody wanker and slammed the door in his face. He was walking around the outskirts of London when he saw it. A huge manner, it was as big as the white house maybe even bigger then that! "whoa Tony dude this guy must be loaded, think he can loan us some cash." The alien just looked at him and didn't answer. He was like that most the time. "Dude like I'm totally gonna go see." He went and pounded on the door but there was no answer. "this is like totally perfect I can just help myself Arthur can pay this dude back He freakin loves me" Alfred strolled into the huge house. "pretty ritzy but this house looks like they're living in the 1800's" with a house that looked like it was so old fashioned he figured the owner must be an old rich guy. Little did he know that the real owner of this house was a twelve year old demon Ciel Phantomhive and his butler for all eternity Sebastion Michalies. The two where out for the day, busy playing the governments guard dog. Even in this day in age. Alfred kept exploring until he found a huge safe in one of the many offices he had encountered. "dude this day just keeps getting better and better." he sat there messing with the safe using skills he had learned from the FBI. He had that puppy wide open in just about five minutes. He sat there and took loads of cash out of the safe until he had close to ten thousand dollars in American money once he got it exchanged back at his place. Being the idiot that he was he even left a note. "Dear Rich Dude Thanks for the loan I'll pay you back someday" Alfred F. Jones, Personification and Hero Of the United States of America. Yes her really was that cocky. It was late afternoon when Ciel returned to his manner and in a bad mood at that. He had sat there and put up with Scotland Yards rubbish all afternoon. Why couldn't they just stay out of his way. "Sebastian go make us some tea we have much to discuss." He waved his butler off to make them some New Moon Drop, a flavor of tea that tasted almost exactly like a human soul. He was in his office the one with his name on the door when he saw the safe opened and a poorly written note attached to the front. "What THE HELL IS THIS SEBATIAN GET UP HERE" she screamed so loudly that they could probably hear him in Canada. "yes young master what is it." Sebastian appeared in front of his master almost instantly. "some moron named Alfred stole nearly ten thousand dollars from us he's a country so we can't kill him what way should we approach this." Ciel tried to behave rationally but he still had the not clutched in his hand and he looked very angry and red in the face. "Well young master I think that it's time for me to become Simply one hell of a lawyer." he smiled his beautiful devilish grin that many woman in London still swooned over. "what you mean we should so this idiot" "why not young master he has wronged you hasn't he ?" "yes I suppose so very well Sebastian draw up the law suit and contact this Alfred Jones person it says he's the personification of the United States he shouldn't be too hard to find" Ciel waved his butler of much more calmly and picked up a newspaper and began to read. Sebastian took of through the window planning to get this over with quickly. Soon he was in the hustle and bustle of New York City. He learned that this is where Alfred lived my asking Arthur Kirkland the personification of England. He knocked on the pent house door where he was told Alfred resided. How did he afford such accommodations was Ciel not the first person he had taken money from? "hey strange dude what's up." Alfred answered the door in a white t-shirt covered in grease and a very beat up bomber jacket. Don't even get me started on his pant's. He was eating a big Mac and talking with his mouth full. Sebastian thought this was quite rude. Was this really the people looked up too? He was such a slob. "umm yes hello" Sebastian cleared his throat. "this is for you, it is a lawsuit from my client Mr. Ciel Phantomhive he is suing you for quite a large sum of money. I hope you have a good attorney good day sir." he handed him the envelope and walked down the stairs normally not wanting to scare the locals. As soon as Alfred read through it he dialed Arthur's number to beg for help. "Hey dude some guy in a tailcoat just stopped by he says I'm like getting sued by some guy named silly button hive or something like that." Alfred said this into the phone very loudly Arthur had to pull his ear away from the receiver. "well what do you want me to do about it you bloody wanker." he said this calmly sipping tea in his favorite chair hoping this conversation would end quickly. "Dude like be my lawyer you like have all those cop people their who are way better at this then me please please" Alfred begged into the phone merely pissing the Brit off further. "ONLY A COMPLETE IDIOT WOULD REPRESENT YOU IN COURT ALFRED, YOU LEFT A BLOODY NOT AT THE CRIME SCENCE'' after that he hung up the phone angrily. For once he was actually on the same side as Ciel. He didn't like his methods of protecting his country but Alfred had gone to far and he wanted him to be taught a lesson. After Arthur's rant Alfred suddenly was actually worried about the lawsuit I mean the guy suing him wanted like a million dollars. "can't a guy catch a break, I mean I like said it was a loan, Dude this is like so unfair you don't even know Tony." Alfred sat there glaring trying to figure out who the hell could represent him. He really wanted Arthur to do it because he was so awesome at like everything. There was only one person besides England who would fit the bill. Prussia Gilbert Beilschmidit. He considered him self to be the greatest country there ever was he'd probably make a great lawyer. He dialed Germany's phone number as fast as he possibly could. "YO YO Germany dude I gotta like talk to Gilbert now." Ludwig sighed it was almost annoying when Alfred called as when Italy bawled because Germany wouldn't let him sleep in his bed. At least this time he wasn't calling to talk to him. The last time he'd wanted to know who'd win in a fight him or the Hulk. For god's sake he had more important things to do then listen to him jabber on about super hero's all day. "GILBERT , there is a dumpkoff wishing to speak to you." Prussia took the phone wondering who it could be because there where very few people who didn't irritate his brother he was proud to say that he was so awesome at being awesome Germany couldn't take it. In all truth Prussia just annoyed the hell out of everybody. Well except for Alfred maybe. He wasn't sure on that point, but what he did know was that they were both self centered, cocky, and loud. Down in the basement Prussia was having an awesome phone conversation.

"so dude do you like wanna do it?" Alfred asked not realizing that Gilbert was still a total perv. "kesesese," he laughed into the phone before answering "sorry Alfred but I'm not into fat ugly americans I'm to awesome for that." "duuude you know that's not what I meant, like are you going to be my lawyer or what ?" Alfred asked for the second time. "Well I'm sure my awesomeness will win us this case no problem then we can go out drinking." he said this perfectly calm so confident in himself already but he really had no clue what he was up against. Neither of them did.

William T. Spears looked up at the strange assignment he had been given by his higher ups. They're was one of those unusual court cases that happened rarely where neither the defendant or the plaintiff where human. It was vs. Alfred F. Jones, the personification of the country. When neither parties where human protocol stated that the judge couldn't be human either this is where he fit into the picture. He personally had never been a judge but he was indifferent to both parties, which is all they asked. That's why these sorts of things almost always ended up on the desk of a grim reaper. At least he didn't have to be a witness for that horrible demon butler he had encountered so long ago. At the very least he was still someone's pet but now he was also a demon. Oh well that's just the way the ball bounces sometimes. He did not look forward to dealing with this tomorrow morning god knows what these people where thinking….

The next morning Ciel had Sebastian help him dress an hour earlier then normal. This was so his butler/lawyer could get ready himself. His usually tailcoat would not do for this occasion if he wanted to be take seriously as a lawyer he needed a suit, simple as that. He didn't know if that man he was facing had a good attorney or not but he still could never be to careful.

The day of the trial Alfred over slept by about two hours. By the time he got up he didn't have time to dress nice or even shower if he was going to make it to the court house on time. He put on some black pants and an ugly green button up shirt with a pink tie figuring that would be good enough. He ran outside to see Prussia's bright yellow Porsche waiting for him. He climbed in and realized maybe he was overdressed. Prussia was in a gray t-shirt that said in bright red letters I'M AWESOME. And some blue jeans. "so like where we not suppose to dress up?" Alfred looked a bit confused. "who cares my awesomeness is going to win us this case anyways." He looked completely unconcerned about the up coming trial. Which did make Alfred a bit uneasy.

**Part 2 Simply One Hell of a Mess **

When they arrived at the court house it was surrounded by reporters from every major news station. CNN, Fox, The Today Show, Oprah. ((I know Oprah isn't on anymore but cut me a break here please )) They all wanted a piece of this it was a pretty big deal. America itself was being sued for 2.5 million dollars, plus it was by a twelve year old boy. This was big. "Alfred Alfred what possessed you to steal this money." "how many hamburgers on average to you consume a day" "what color is your underwear" "why did you choose that awful looking outfit" "Mr. Prussia what do you plan on doing after you win this case." "Is it true you slept with a Kiku Honda when visiting Tokyo" The reporters just sat there asking the weirdest questions and snapping photographs. "Come on dudes like back off the hero's already late for court." He began to push through the mob of reporters. "like I'll do an interview will all of you wants they say I'm not guilty" Alfred said as he finally reached the door. They walked into the room where the trial was being held. There was a woman in a police uniform who was serving as a bailiff. "no civilians in the court room Prussia." she said this coldly to him trying to take her job seriously. "come on Liz I'm Alfred's Lawyer cut me a break." he smirked at her knowing she had to let him in now. "What no one you're not a lawyer Prussia go home you aren't even a witness in this case." she glared fiercely at him ready to hit him with her frying pan. "look just ask Alfred he'll tell you." he just smiled and put his hands in his pockets. " I mean I'm certainly awesome enough to be a lawyer am I right." he stood there flexing his muscles thinking about how awesome he was. "umm yeah dudette he actually is my lawyer he was awesome enough to take my case when Britain turned me down." he smiled sheepishly at her praying she'd let them into the court room so they could get this silly trail over with in his mind he was innocent, he thought the guy would understand being rich and all.

Ciel stood there ready to take the stand at any moment. Wearing his navy blue suit and his walking stick in hand. He had ordered Sebastian to win this case so he would win. Simple as that. Plus they had obvious evidence that a crime was committed , he left a note in the safe. How dumb was he ? Well he couldn't be as dumb as some of the witnesses Sebastian was able to get to speak on his behalf. No one had seen the crime but they would be talking about the Phantomhive's role in society and what not and they of course would be answering questions about Ciel himself. Hopefully saying that he was a good person and he often donated to various charities but he didn't like it when people took advantage of his generosity especially when he didn't know them well. Why was that so bad he was the aristocrat of evil but he wasn't that evil. O.K. he is but he doesn't like to think of himself as a soul sucking monster. Though he never did get his revenge. Though he could continue to make Sebastian's life miserable at the very least. Soon a woman with long brown hair entered the court room. She looked a bit scary instead of a gun she had a giant frying pan, an unusually method Ciel thought but a very effective one. "all rise the honorable judge Spears residing.'' Elizaveta said it as clearly as she could but you could still tell it was her first time doing this. It looked like they really did want humans involved. William T. Spears walked up the aisle looking stern as usually. He looked serious and scary even though he refused to wear judges robes. He wore his regular suit. "all seated." he said in his cool monotone voice.

Sebastian looked at Ciel. He now had no one but to aces to play. The judge hated idiots more then he hated demons. Plus the not had that mans fingerprints all over it. This case was in the bag. He looked at his master and smiled his devilish grin as usually. This was what he did when he knew his next move.

"Mr. Sebastian call your first witness so we can end this already." William kept glancing at the clock hoping this trail wouldn't take too long. " I would like to call Mr. Arthur Kirkland to the stand." He stood up so he could begin his questioning of the older nation. "Mr. Kirkland." he began. "is it true that you where Alfred F. Jones guardian previously?" he asked this pacing the floor. "yes but he chose to be emancipated." he stated calmly. "Mr. Kirkland has Mr. Jones ever done anything like this before?" Sebastian asked smiling. "THAT BLOODY WANKER IS ALWAYS HITTING PEOPLE UP FOR CASH. I'm not surprised in the least that he finally stole some really he's an idiot." Arthur cried not realizing he was shouting in the court room. "order order in the court." William barely made any motion as he said this just merely knowing that this was the correct motion but not particularly caring either way. He loved rules he genuinely did but working with demons was a pet peeve a really big pet peeve. "thank you Mr. Kirkland that will be all. Umm Gilbert was it? You can begin your cross examination. Sebastian walked back to the table where his Client and Master was sitting. Prussia stomped towards the stand in his black combat boots smiling cockily. "hey tea loving bastard is true that you find Alfred F. Jones to be not awesome?" "what the hell what kind of question is that? Of course he's not as you say awesome he's a bloody wanker who hits every person in the world up for cash without thinking about it!" Arthur glared at Prussia wondering why they had to have this stupid trail anyway. "Mr. Judge person the Awesome Prussia is done asking questions of the not so awesome Brit." he said this rudely and cockily like he always did when he spoke. "Mr. Prussia please try to be more respectful or I'll have you removed." William looked at the Prussian unamused but he always looked unamused about everything. "alright Well I'm going to call my awesome witness Ukraine to the stand then." he pointed towards the door waiting for her to come in escorted by Hungary. It took almost twenty minutes for Ukraine to come in and when she did she was crying for the umpteenth time that day. She got upset so easily. She took the stand shaking. "now Yekatrina the awesome me has called you here to say how awesome Alfred is can you do that for the jury." he said this trying to sound confident but with the way Ukraine cried he wasn't sure she could. She hiccupped but began to speak on his behalf. "A-a-Alfred is is very nice he l-l-likes to help me with my my farming and sometimes he he pays me for umm things." She said this nervously while Alfred just sat at the bench thinking about how hungry he was and how bad he wanted to go to McDonald's. "now miss Ukraine will you tell the Jury how awesome the amazing Prussia is." he asked this sounding farm more confident then the first time. "Objection" Sebastian shouted from the other end of the room. "yes I agree this question has nothing to do with the trail please keep on focus." William T. Spears was getting angry and angry with this case. "do you have an further questions then?" "no your awesomeness, Prussia bowed and walked off. "we are so gonna win this Al then We'll eat all the hamburgers you've ever wanted to celebrate." Gilbert Whispered to Alfred his confidence returning. Sebastian walked towards Prussia's nervous witness to begin his questioning. "hello Miss. Ukraine was it?" he smiled kindly at her as he did with all people he needed as pawns, to make her feel at ease around him. "y-y-yes it it is sir." she was still trembling a bit but she wasn't crying anymore at the very least. This is what Ciel was thinking as he let Sebastian do his work. He was trying to get this woman with huge breasts to say what "services'' she did for Alfred. Everyone in the room knew the answer but she had to say it for the official record, but no matter what Sebastian said she just couldn't bring herself to say it and just sat up on the witness stand bawling. "Enough Mr. Sebastian, I declare this interrogation over for now, Miss. Elizaveta please escort Miss. Ukraine out of here to allow her to calm down, now Sebastian please call your next witness I need to get this over with I don't want to work even more overtime." William glared at both parties impatiently. He was already tiring of this case. It got even worse when he found out who the next person was. " I would like to call Mr. rather Miss. Grell Sutcliff to the stand." Sebastian didn't look to pleased about it either as the reaper with long flaming red hair bounced into the room chainsaw and all. "Oh Bassy darling I'm here now how bout a kiss." Grell ran at him full force but Sebastian was too quick and Grell ran face first into Sebastian's brief case. Grell turned around his nose now bleeding when he saw William. "oh William you're here too now I know for sure someone with kiss me." Grell start to jump around the court room again, making quite the scene. "Grell would you mind taking a seat up there please." Sebastian pointed toward the stand and smiled hoping it would prompt the reaper. He didn't really want him to be a witness but he's insisted on it. He was even worse then Ciel sometimes when it came to childish behavior. "now Mr. Sutcliff" he began but Grell stopped him right there. " Bassy I told you to call me Miss. Sutcliff remember Miss." he was once again pouting like a silly teenage girl. "alright then Miss. Sutcliff, have you ever met Alfred Jones." he asked this just trying to get this particular witness out of the way. "No can't say that I have but I have to say both him and his lawyer are pretty cute.'' He waved at them smiling his pointed teeth gleaming. Al smiled a little and nervously chuckled waving back secretly very creeped out. "now Miss. Sutcliff do you consider Lord Ciel Phantomhive to be a charitable person?" "well he did put on that play for the orphans that one time so yeah I suppose so." he wasn't even looking at Sebastian now he was filing his nails why that bitch. Sebastian's face twitched a bit in annoyance but he continued to smile at the crazed reaper. " now is it true that for a short period of time you worked at Phantomhive manner to be properly trained as a butler, and if so did you find Ciel to be a fair employer?" Sebastian was getting a bit tired of this he knew all the answers to these questions but he was ordered to win this case. " yes I worked at Phantomhive manner and I was being trained by the worlds best and most handsome butler, He was so wonderful to work with I wish we didn't have to part ways so soon my sweet sweet Bassy." that was his answer and Sebastian stopped smiling. " that was not what I asked you Grell." Finaling referring to the reaper by his first name mostly in annoyance. " can you please answer the question properly was Ciel a fair employer to you?" he asked this for the second time. "well he never paid me and he made me share a room with the lower class servants but being trained by you made it all worthy!" Grell leaned toward Sebastian trying to kissing him tumbling face first onto the hard floor causing his nose to bleed heavily. William sighed and called a fifteen minute recess so he could cool his head and someone could clean Grell's blood off the floor. " you may begin your cross examination when we get back Mr. Prussia" he then stood up and walked out of the room pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. This was the most idiotic case he had ever had the displeasure of judging. Why both parties where composed of complete idiots. He didn't even know who to declare the winner. That was when he had the most genius idea…..

**Part 3**

**The Final Witness and Williams big decision **

" The Trail will now resume Grell please retake the stand." William sighed tiredly. At least there was only one witness left after this, then this nightmare would be over. He could hardly wait. "Now Mr. Grell was it? Will you tell me the AWESOME PRUSSIA why this Ciel Phantomhive never paid you ?" " it's because he claimed his aunt Red one of the most beautiful women to ever wear red except for me of course claimed she sent her to him for training bur really I was there as a spy I'm not nearly as clumsy as what I acted like, I would also often pretend to be suicidal it is my crowning glory as an actress!" he lifted his head high and looked quite smug with himself remembering his days at the Phantomhive manor. "Why where you spying on Mr. Phantomhive The awesome me must know for the sake of my client." "well that's an easy one, I was there to make sure the Jack the Ripper case wasn't solved sadly the little brat is smarter then he looks." Grell glared at Ciel hatefully he got all the attention from Bassy and put an end to his and Lady Red's activates of disposing of London's filth. "now what where the accommodations of your housing at the estate." Prussia said this in a normal tone for once instead of adding the awesome me at the end. "well we all slept on twin beds with a quilt on each in the same room well except for Sebastian and the maid the only female servant on the entire estate. It was always cold in there and there was no fireplace honestly I thought I was going to freeze to death in there." he huffed and pouted and definitely embellished on the poor accommodations they where actually fairly nice and it did have a fireplace but it was only used in the winter. "Thank you sir Grell for your time" Prussia smiled cockily at this witness knowing some of his answers may have helped them out a bit. "Now the Awesome me would like to bring in our final witness none other then Veneziano Vargas from Italy.!" Prussia pointed to the door hoping to be dramatic as Italy stumbled in nearly tripping. "Ciao everybody I was told there was going to be pasta is that true did you make it right or should I go make it sometimes not everyone knows how to" Italy was suddenly cut off by a very irritated judge. "please Mr. Vargas sit up here on the stand." he pointed to the wooden bench. "Well if that's what it takes to get the pasta I love pasta." Italy skipped towards the stand being as happy go lucky as he was. He sat in the area smiling broadly. " oh Hello Alfred Prussia didn't say you'd a be here too." he waved enthusiastically not realizing the seriousness of the situation around him. "Now Veneziano the Awesome Prussia is going to ask you some awesome questions." he stated this loudly hoping not to upset the witness he brought. Italy was very innocent and never saw the bad in anyone which is why he was the perfect person to speak on Alfred's behalf. "Ok Mr. Prussia Mr. Germany says I can't be scared of you anymore so ask away" Italy smiled warmly he was nice to everyone despite the fact he was a huge coward. " so Italy Veneziano do you consider the almost as awesome as me Mr. Jones to be a friendly person?" " Oh si si he treats me to pizza and pasta and he likes play video games with me but I always loose." he responded cheerfully. "good good and now do you consider me the most awesome country to ever exsist?'' Prussia asked this for the second time Sebastian didn't even bother to object this time there was no point this man was an idiot the lawyer the criminal and there so called witness. " of course you are awesome Mr. Prussia and I'm awesome and Miss. Hungary is awesome and Mr. America is awesome and Mr. Germany." this went on for almost fifteen minutes. Italy over answered every question Gilbert asked. Sebastian didn't even want to cross examine this witness just as he stood up to do so William did something very unexpected. The Reaper stood up and took the case file that was in front of him and he ripped it in half. " I declare that this is the most idiotic case ever and that there is now winner this is my final verdict." after this William calmly got up and walked out of the court room. Grell ran after him think that what William just did was extremely hot…..

**THE END **


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